KS&L 389 Being in Resonance with Death by Tina Erwin

       I was talking to a friend recently and she told me that she had been rather sad lately, feeling like there was ‘a darkness’ within her.

“You know, I have to tell you that I feel,” (and she hesitated here) “that I am in resonance with death. I want to know if you are also in resonance with death since you work with death so much. How in the world, I mean, I really want to know, how do you manage the sadness from hearing what horrible things people do to each other, much less listening to what a ghost would have to say about how and why he or she died. I guess if I seem bewildered by my own feelings, I am even more baffled by what you do.”

         “The difference between what I do, and your feelings is really quite simple:  you are actively grieving. I’m not.”

         You are currently grieving the death of your mother within the last year. When we grieve, we automatically review our life with that person.  Those feelings engender the memories of the grief you were never allowed to work through with the death of your father when you were a small girl. So, literally, you are grieving the loss of both of your parents, the cascade of abusive events that happened to you after your father died and the struggle you have had with these feelings for almost forty years. That’s a huge amount of emotion to try to process and yet live day to day, of being a mom, a wife, a friend and a sibling.”

“Yes, all of that’s true, but I am also concerned, fearful that something will happen to my husband and my children. What if they die? Don’t you ever worry about these things in the work that you do?”

She persisted in wanting to understand why I am not sad all the time.

“When a person is grieving, one of the unwelcome persistent ‘guests’ who never seems to leave you is fear. Fear for the death of other loved ones, fear for the death of friends, guilt over the people who have left you and then finally fear of or for your own eventual death. When people grieve, they seldom realize that the safety of the world they knew is shattered and that feeling they used to remember of being ‘safe’ is now gone, sometimes forever, but not always. You can regain that feeling of safety. However you look at it that ‘fear’ feeling also translates into very ‘sad’ or ‘dark’ feelings. Grief work together is specifically designed to bring the light back into your life.”

“Yes, I get all that, and all that you described is true for me, but I want to know what do you do so that you don’t grieve the people you help and are not profoundly saddened by what you hear?”

“Okay, well, yes, it’s true: I do hear things that would make the angels weep. Some of it is so profoundly sad that I have to take a deep breath to keep on going. However, I am a student of karma. I am a journeyman on the road of life and I respect all of life’s processes. To this end, I work very hard to stay in resonance with life itself, with happiness and with love. Only love heals. I also have a tremendous personal support system. One of the by products of grieving is the feeling that you are alone in a sea of people, that no one understand you, but that isn’t true. Lots of people are grieving and even more people are dedicated to living a wonderful life.

Everywhere I go, I meet amazing people, people who have triumphed over adversity, who have met life’s challenges with grace and courage. These are the people who give me hope, who help me to face another day of hearing sad things. I also have the privilege of watching people heal, progress and conquer that which has held them back, brought them pain or sadness. People do heal. People can and do change and people rise above the sadness and find happiness. Frankly, if I couldn’t see this, I probably couldn’t go forward with this type of work.

Working with the dead is an honor and a privilege. There is an intense gratification in helping a person who has been lost and alone, guilt ridden and full of pain, find the light, feel healing and release the burden of life in the 4^th dimension. Every single soul I can assist brings me a sense of completing my mission, which is to help them.

One less soul in the astral plane is one less soul who burdens the earth as a ghost. The more the earth is cleaned, the better and happier the world will be.

I stay in resonance with life by working with my plants, feeling the life that springs from the earth. I rejoice in my very long and happy almost 40 year marriage. I spend time with my adult children and the wonderful people that each of them married and finally I spend time with my grandchildren. I delight in the pleasure of all of them. I am truly blessed with a deep and abiding loving relationship with all of my siblings. I have long and meaningful relationships with friends in many parts of the country. Every single one of these people, bring me happiness. I am deeply grateful to have them in my life.

I am in resonance with the understanding that life is not about static living. Life, the dynamic of soul evolution is going to mean that people are going to have challenging experiences, wonderful events and horrific scenarios that each of them have to face. No one leads a ‘charmed’ life. Every single soul on the planet comes in with karmic challenges that they are each required to face, if not this life time, then the next and the next.

New growth whether it is within a person or a plant, is life’s longing for expression. Sometimes that new growth has to work though cement and sometimes it has wonderful rich soil. Which will be the stronger plant? Both of them can be strong or both of them can perish. Each has to decide how to deal with the opportunity given.

I do know what grief feels like. I know what it’s like to wonder how life can go on seemingly happy, and you feel like your life has led you off a cliff. I know. I also know that hard spiritual/emotional work can heal those grinding days. That’s why I am not now, nor will I ever be in resonance with death. Only loving life heals you and keeps you happily, among the living.”

          

         

Become the Leader of Your Own Life

By Simon Vetter [Guest Writer for Light Times]

It was a gloomy Saturday morning in January when I first met Elaine, a classy lady in her early-50s with a sharp mind and a way with people. The owner and founder of a high-end jewelry design company, Elaine started her business over 20 years ago, and her reputation in the industry speaks for itself. She was savvy and capable, but Elaine had reached her limit.

She looked at me with frustration and despair, threw up her hands and sighed, “I am just not having any fun anymore.” She confessed that she felt desperate, unmotivated, and irritated with her own team. “To tell you the truth, I’d sell my business right now for one dollar.”

It was a surprising thing to hear her say. In so many ways, she was living the dream – she had a successful business doing what she loves… except, as it turned out, these days she wasn’t doing what she loves very much at all.

When I asked how she spends her workweek, she said, “In addition to designing, I manage the business, direct my team, negotiate with suppliers, and I travel over 100 days per year to sell my jewelry to retailers across the country.”

This talented artist, an exceptionally creative and innovative woman, had followed her passion and built a great business. But her road to success was taking her further and further from her passion: designing jewelry.

With an understanding smile, I said, “No wonder you are exhausted. You do four different jobs: designing, selling, running the business and managing your employees. What about delegating more to your team?”

“I would if I could, but I can’t rely on them! They don’t do the things I ask them to do, and I constantly have to check on them. I feel like I have to do everything.” It was clear she had an uncommitted, underperforming team.

“Elaine, you’re headed in the right direction with your business, but you’re dragging a lot of dead weight on your team. You already know they are slowing you down, exhausting you even... isn’t it time to let them go?”

Watching her face closely, I saw a wave of discomfort come over her. Elaine was holding tightly to something that didn’t work for her, a sure sign of an internal conflict. Her head knew she had a lousy team, but something inside was afraid to see them go.

Over the next few weeks, we uncovered some similarities between her ways of relating to the team and her childhood job of caring for her younger siblings. She had a strong belief that “I have to take care of others.”

But her team didn’t want to be “taken care of” or “bossed around.” These managerial tactics made them feel resistant, uninspired, even petulant. After all, if you treat people like children long enough, sooner or later they’ll act accordingly.

The harder she pushed, the more they resisted. No wonder they weren’t having fun anymore. Everyone in her company was intensely focused on what they didn’t like! And everyone felt powerless to change it.

In a situation like this, there’s only one thing to do: get crystal clear on what you can change, and what you cannot. More often than not, the things you can change all begin with you – not other people.

Elaine realized that she could change the way she related to her team, so she decided to increase her efforts to inspire them. Second, she committed to pacing herself so she could bring more patience and composure to the table. Both decisions led to an immediate change in the tone of the team.

But it was her third decision that made the most dramatic impact. Elaine recommitted her workweek to the things she does best: designing “drop dead gorgeous” jewelry and working with clients. Everything else, she delegated to her new office manager.

It didn’t take long to see enormous changes in her company. Within four months, every one of the underperforming team members left to pursue other jobs. As the new team developed, so did a new culture of performance and accountability. Sales reached an all-time high, and Elaine was overjoyed to feel her creative spirit come back to life.

“I had no idea how easily I could change the world around me – just by changing the way I treated everyone else. Now it makes so much sense! How can I expect others to act differently… unless I do? I was so busy complaining and worrying about what I ‘should’ be doing that I didn’t have any energy to start creating what I really wanted!”

Her close friend Maria just laughs at this story. At 68 years young, she enjoys every day to the fullest – but it wasn’t always that way. “When I was 5 years old, I lost a parent. Growing up, I had to take care of my brother and sister, keep the house running, do all the things that ‘should’ be done. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to take care of myself and go after the things I wanted to do. That sure makes for a dull life.

“One day, after 60 years of drudgery, I woke up and asked myself, ‘What am I doing?’ I looked around and realized I was spending my life on other people’s agendas, other people’s concerns, social pressures, and my family’s expectations. But what about the things that are important to me? They were falling by the wayside.

“It’s my life and I want to enjoy it – so I decided to! It was the best decision I ever made. Now, I’m done with should. Now, I do what I want.”

How old will you be when you step into your role of Leader of Your Life, and really make the most of what you have? The sooner to take the reins, the better your journey will be.

To speed your process along, beware of the word “should.” When you hear it, stop yourself long enough to ask, should I really? Why?

If you get confused, ask yourself, “Should I do that, or do I want to do that?” This immediately puts the reins back in your hands, and you at choice. If the “should-ing” persists, simply smile and say, “Thank you for that suggestion.” That gives you the time and space to decide for yourself if you want to follow that suggestion – or not.

If the “shoulds” in your life are coming from your own mind, take some time to examine them, one by one.
Who does that should belong to?
Whose voice is speaking?
What beliefs are backing up this “should”?
Keep investigating until you feel free to decide.

After all, in the end, the only person responsible for your happiness… is you.


About the Author

Simon Vetter works with managers who want to create positive changes and professionals who want to create a STAND OUT brand. He is a business coach, speaker and author, specializing in leadership effectiveness, behavioral change and personal brand management.

Over the course of his career, he has coached, trained and advised managers and teams from Agilent Technologies, CalPERS, Callaway Golf, Daimler, Johnson & Johnson, Microsoft, REMAX, Siemens, Toyota, US Steel, UBS and others. His clients engage him because they want more clarity, focus and personal balance. He assists them in improving behaviors, effectively influencing others, developing high-performing teams, and delivering results.

His latest book is STAND OUT! Branding Strategies for Business Professionals. He offers practical solutions on advancing one’s career, finding personal fulfillment at work, and establishing a credible, attractive personal brand.

With 20 years of experience in marketing, sales, and leadership development, Simon combines an MBA-equivalent degree in Business and Marketing from University of Berne. He is a member of Alexcel Group, a worldwide alliance of executive coaches, serves on the board of directors of the San Diego World Trade Center and is a member with Toastmasters. Simon grew up in Switzerland and has lived in San Diego, California for 12 years. He speaks fluently English and German.