KS&L 377 Changing Toxic Family Dynamics

By Tina Erwin

Dysfunctional families are the norm these days. Parents yell at kids. Kids are disrespectful. Family members engage in endless dramas and scandalous gossip. Relatives feed on the negativity in each other’s lives. Maybe it has always been that way. Maybe people like negative family drama. Do you?

Are you the one who watches the dramas unfold, and longs to live a different life? Are you the one who wants to know how to begin to change that drama? Great, look in the mirror and decide that you can make a difference. Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with you. . . .

If you are the one who watched your parents scream their marriage into shambles by humiliation, derision, accusations and doubt then you can look at your own relationship choices and make a conscious decision to have a different life. The first step is not to enter a relationship like your parents had. However, that is quite a challenge if that toxic pair was your only example and the plastic couples on television are mere illusions.

Decide that you are going to change. Look back at the life changing events in your life. What did each one of them teach you? Begin to make a list of the events, and see how you can live a new, happier life by looking at those events with an eye for making different life choices:

·      People screamed at each other.  Choose to always speak in a civil manner unless your house is burning down.

·      No one ever kept his or her word. Choose to always keep your word to your spouse/partner, your children, family and friends.

·      No one was ever on time. Decide that you are an ‘on-time’ kind of person. On-time people are considerate of other people’s time and feelings.

·      Gossip was vicious. Be ever mindful of what you are saying to another friend, sibling, child or family member. Be conscious of the words you use. Keep someone’s confidence.

·      Unkind words were the norm. Edit what you say. THINK before you speak and seek the wisest words.

·      Everything was a last minute crisis. Plan ahead for everything. Look into the future and anticipate what will probably happen.

·      No one ever said please or thank you. Genuine courtesy is the lubricant for successful human interactions.

·      No one was on time with birthday, or holiday gifts or cards. Remember occasions with modest gifts – on time.

·      Holidays were a nightmare with fights over money, illness and depression. Choose to be healthy; remember that modest gifts given with love are cherished. You don’t have to be sick at Christmas or Hanukah. Depression was someone else’s norm: it doesn’t have to be yours!

·      No one ever gave all of his or her attention to a family member for a meaningful discussion. Be present for each other, your kids, friends and family. Listen with an open, non-judgmental heart.

·      Your family was a lousy example of what a family should be. Ok, so be the example for your kids, spouse and other family members. Do not be the mirror for your parents. Be the example you wish you had had.

·      Parents did not treat children with respect. Be respectful of your children’s things, their time and their needs. If you borrow something of theirs, ask permission first. Return it on time and in good condition. If you borrow money from your children, return it. Teenagers treated with respect are respectful in return.

·      No one had any time for anyone else. They each just careened from one crisis to the next. Be patient, be wise and be willing to sit still and listen ALL THE WAY to what someone is telling you. Show them what it feels like to be heard.

When you do ‘light work’ for your family, you are healing yourself. ‘Light work’ is day in day out courtesy, honesty and integrity. When those sterling qualities become your norm, then you become the example for those around you to want to emulate. You can change your life, and you will begin to affect your entire family.

What if your family rejects your efforts? That is more likely than not to happen because you will have completely upset the family norm, the traditional dysfunctional dynamic. It doesn’t matter. Be the person of admirable integrity. Someone else’s bad habits and despicable behavior are theirs alone. Your life is yours to create and creating a happy life built on patient wisdom, love and care is a powerfully wonderful life to live.