Become the Leader of Your Own Life

By Simon Vetter [Guest Writer for Light Times]

It was a gloomy Saturday morning in January when I first met Elaine, a classy lady in her early-50s with a sharp mind and a way with people. The owner and founder of a high-end jewelry design company, Elaine started her business over 20 years ago, and her reputation in the industry speaks for itself. She was savvy and capable, but Elaine had reached her limit.

She looked at me with frustration and despair, threw up her hands and sighed, “I am just not having any fun anymore.” She confessed that she felt desperate, unmotivated, and irritated with her own team. “To tell you the truth, I’d sell my business right now for one dollar.”

It was a surprising thing to hear her say. In so many ways, she was living the dream – she had a successful business doing what she loves… except, as it turned out, these days she wasn’t doing what she loves very much at all.

When I asked how she spends her workweek, she said, “In addition to designing, I manage the business, direct my team, negotiate with suppliers, and I travel over 100 days per year to sell my jewelry to retailers across the country.”

This talented artist, an exceptionally creative and innovative woman, had followed her passion and built a great business. But her road to success was taking her further and further from her passion: designing jewelry.

With an understanding smile, I said, “No wonder you are exhausted. You do four different jobs: designing, selling, running the business and managing your employees. What about delegating more to your team?”

“I would if I could, but I can’t rely on them! They don’t do the things I ask them to do, and I constantly have to check on them. I feel like I have to do everything.” It was clear she had an uncommitted, underperforming team.

“Elaine, you’re headed in the right direction with your business, but you’re dragging a lot of dead weight on your team. You already know they are slowing you down, exhausting you even... isn’t it time to let them go?”

Watching her face closely, I saw a wave of discomfort come over her. Elaine was holding tightly to something that didn’t work for her, a sure sign of an internal conflict. Her head knew she had a lousy team, but something inside was afraid to see them go.

Over the next few weeks, we uncovered some similarities between her ways of relating to the team and her childhood job of caring for her younger siblings. She had a strong belief that “I have to take care of others.”

But her team didn’t want to be “taken care of” or “bossed around.” These managerial tactics made them feel resistant, uninspired, even petulant. After all, if you treat people like children long enough, sooner or later they’ll act accordingly.

The harder she pushed, the more they resisted. No wonder they weren’t having fun anymore. Everyone in her company was intensely focused on what they didn’t like! And everyone felt powerless to change it.

In a situation like this, there’s only one thing to do: get crystal clear on what you can change, and what you cannot. More often than not, the things you can change all begin with you – not other people.

Elaine realized that she could change the way she related to her team, so she decided to increase her efforts to inspire them. Second, she committed to pacing herself so she could bring more patience and composure to the table. Both decisions led to an immediate change in the tone of the team.

But it was her third decision that made the most dramatic impact. Elaine recommitted her workweek to the things she does best: designing “drop dead gorgeous” jewelry and working with clients. Everything else, she delegated to her new office manager.

It didn’t take long to see enormous changes in her company. Within four months, every one of the underperforming team members left to pursue other jobs. As the new team developed, so did a new culture of performance and accountability. Sales reached an all-time high, and Elaine was overjoyed to feel her creative spirit come back to life.

“I had no idea how easily I could change the world around me – just by changing the way I treated everyone else. Now it makes so much sense! How can I expect others to act differently… unless I do? I was so busy complaining and worrying about what I ‘should’ be doing that I didn’t have any energy to start creating what I really wanted!”

Her close friend Maria just laughs at this story. At 68 years young, she enjoys every day to the fullest – but it wasn’t always that way. “When I was 5 years old, I lost a parent. Growing up, I had to take care of my brother and sister, keep the house running, do all the things that ‘should’ be done. Somewhere along the way, I forgot to take care of myself and go after the things I wanted to do. That sure makes for a dull life.

“One day, after 60 years of drudgery, I woke up and asked myself, ‘What am I doing?’ I looked around and realized I was spending my life on other people’s agendas, other people’s concerns, social pressures, and my family’s expectations. But what about the things that are important to me? They were falling by the wayside.

“It’s my life and I want to enjoy it – so I decided to! It was the best decision I ever made. Now, I’m done with should. Now, I do what I want.”

How old will you be when you step into your role of Leader of Your Life, and really make the most of what you have? The sooner to take the reins, the better your journey will be.

To speed your process along, beware of the word “should.” When you hear it, stop yourself long enough to ask, should I really? Why?

If you get confused, ask yourself, “Should I do that, or do I want to do that?” This immediately puts the reins back in your hands, and you at choice. If the “should-ing” persists, simply smile and say, “Thank you for that suggestion.” That gives you the time and space to decide for yourself if you want to follow that suggestion – or not.

If the “shoulds” in your life are coming from your own mind, take some time to examine them, one by one.
Who does that should belong to?
Whose voice is speaking?
What beliefs are backing up this “should”?
Keep investigating until you feel free to decide.

After all, in the end, the only person responsible for your happiness… is you.


About the Author

Simon Vetter works with managers who want to create positive changes and professionals who want to create a STAND OUT brand. He is a business coach, speaker and author, specializing in leadership effectiveness, behavioral change and personal brand management.

Over the course of his career, he has coached, trained and advised managers and teams from Agilent Technologies, CalPERS, Callaway Golf, Daimler, Johnson & Johnson, Microsoft, REMAX, Siemens, Toyota, US Steel, UBS and others. His clients engage him because they want more clarity, focus and personal balance. He assists them in improving behaviors, effectively influencing others, developing high-performing teams, and delivering results.

His latest book is STAND OUT! Branding Strategies for Business Professionals. He offers practical solutions on advancing one’s career, finding personal fulfillment at work, and establishing a credible, attractive personal brand.

With 20 years of experience in marketing, sales, and leadership development, Simon combines an MBA-equivalent degree in Business and Marketing from University of Berne. He is a member of Alexcel Group, a worldwide alliance of executive coaches, serves on the board of directors of the San Diego World Trade Center and is a member with Toastmasters. Simon grew up in Switzerland and has lived in San Diego, California for 12 years. He speaks fluently English and German.