Sunday, January 29, 2012

KS&L 369 Changing Toxic Family Dynamics

by Tina Erwin

Dysfunctional families are the norm these days. Parents yell at kids. Kids are disrespectful. Family members engage in endless dramas and scandalous gossip. Relatives feed on the negativity in each other’s lives. Maybe it has always been that way. Maybe people like negative family drama. Do you?

Are you the one who watches the dramas unfold, and longs to live a different life? Are you the one who wants to know how to begin to change that drama? Great, look in the mirror and decide that you can make a difference. Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with you. . . .

If you are the one who watched your parents scream their marriage into shambles by humiliation, derision, accusations and doubt then you can look at your own relationship choices and make a conscious decision to have a different life. The first step is not to enter a relationship like your parents had. However, that is quite a challenge if that toxic pair was your only example and the plastic couples on television are mere illusions.

Decide that you are going to change. Look back at the life changing events in your life. What did each one of them teach you? Begin to make a list of the events, and see how you can live a new, happier life by looking at those events with an eye for making different life choices:

· People screamed at each other. Choose to always speak in a civil manner unless your house is burning down.

· No one ever kept his or her word. Choose to always keep your word to your spouse/partner, your children, family and friends.

· No one was ever on time. Decide that you are an ‘on-time’ kind of person. On-time people are considerate of other people’s time and feelings.

· Gossip was vicious. Be ever mindful of what you are saying to another friend, sibling, child or family member. Be conscious of the words you use. Keep someone’s confidence.

· Unkind words were the norm. Edit what you say. THINK before you speak and seek the wisest words.

· Everything was a last minute crisis. Plan ahead for everything. Look into the future and anticipate what will probably happen.

· No one ever said please or thank you. Genuine courtesy is the lubricant for successful human interactions.

· No one was on time with birthday, or holiday gifts or cards. Remember occasions with modest gifts – on time.

· Holidays were a nightmare with fights over money, illness and depression. Choose to be healthy; remember that modest gifts given with love are cherished. You don’t have to be sick at Christmas or Hanukah. Depression was someone else’s norm: it doesn’t have to be yours!

· No one ever gave all of his or her attention to a family member for a meaningful discussion. Be present for each other, your kids, friends and family. Listen with an open, non-judgmental heart.

· Your family was a lousy example of what a family should be. Ok, so be the example for your kids, spouse and other family members. Do not be the mirror for your parents. Be the example you wish you had had.

· Parents did not treat children with respect. Be respectful of your children’s things, their time and their needs. If you borrow something of theirs, ask permission first. Return it on time and in good condition. If you borrow money from your children, return it. Teenagers treated with respect are respectful in return.

· No one had any time for anyone else, they each just careened from one crisis to the next. Be patient, be wise and be willing to sit still and listen ALL THE WAY to what someone is telling you. Show them what it feels like to be heard.

When you do ‘lightwork’ for your family, you are healing yourself. ‘Lightwork’ is day in day out courtesy, honesty and integrity. When those sterling qualities become your norm, then you become the example for those around you to want to emulate. You can change your life, and you will begin to affect your entire family.

What if your family rejects your efforts? That is more likely than not to happen because you will have completely upset the normal family paradigm, the traditional dysfunctional dynamic. It doesn’t matter. Be the person of admirable integrity. Someone else’s bad habits and despicable behavior are theirs alone. Your life is yours to create and creating a happy life built on patient wisdom, love and care is a powerfully wonderful life to live.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

KS&L 367 Family Commuications: Being Present for Children*

by Tina Erwin


There is an old saying that often elegantly describes how many families communicate. It goes something like this:


I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.


Confused? Join the club! Families are so busy these days with the mountain of things that just have to be done that they frequently forget to actually listen to the details of conversations and then things begin to go awry.


What you frequently find is that people are not emotionally present. Their head is nodding but they are not hearing you. It happens to everyone. Something else is dominating his or her mind and when you think you have his or her attention, in truth, you don’t. Even when you ask the person if they heard you and you get a nod response, that does not mean that they heard you.


Parents are so concerned about their jobs, the family dynamics, keeping up with the neighbors and managing the politics of life that they frequently neglect to hear the little clues that their spouse or kids are telling them that would have tipped them off to a potential problem. Potential problems are not convenient, so often it is just easier to nod, or ignore the problem or just say no, no matter what it is. The problem with this is, that when you think you can ignore something, it comes back to haunt you later. Sometimes, you have to deal with something ‘little’ when it starts and you may discover that taking those few extra minutes prevents/precludes something ‘big’ from ever happening. Let us look at this classic example.


A busy mom is getting her 4-year old ready for pre-school. She is stressed. She has a big meeting that morning and she needs her son to hurry. But her son says he doesn’t want to go to school. He hates school. Every other morning he just loves school, but not today. Today he hates it.


Here are her options:

1. She can yell at him, threaten to punish him and demand that he get ready right now and utterly ignore his adamant refusal to go to school. She can even call him a bad boy.


2. She can ignore the child’s behavior without comment and shove him in the car, dump him off at school and try to cool down for her meeting.


3. She can stop what she is doing completely, sit him down in her lap and look him in the face and calmly and with concern ask him to tell her why he doesn’t want to go to school. This is where it gets really hard. A four-year old often has trouble expressing his feelings. He needs the mom to feel that something is terribly wrong at the school. Surely she knows that he has never behaved like this before. Surely she can see that there is something very wrong here. Her son tries to explain, but he lacks verbal skill and cannot tell her his plight, with articulate words but the look in his deep blue eyes tells her he is afraid – of something. She watches as the tears fill up those precious eyes and spill down his cheeks. These are tears of relief as he feels that she is really listening.


In options one and two, the Mom’s actions tell the child that she is not hearing him, cannot focus on his needs. She has lost touch with that psychic sense that all good Moms need to have to avert problems. Once she gets to work, she tosses the situation off as an irritation. But it doesn’t go away. Day after day, her son becomes increasingly more adamant that he does not want to go back to that school. Finally he ‘gets sick’ so he won’t have to go to school. Now he is a behavior and a health problem for her – or that is her perception. He is now costing her a lot of time way from work. At no time has she actually listened to what he is trying desperately to tell her in his clumsy four-year old way. The child begins to lose faith in her and their relationship just gets more difficult. This situation was a growth opportunity for both of them and the Mom in this case, missed it – completely.


In option three, the Mom gets herself out of the way so that she can listen to her son all the way. In that moment, she is completely present so that she can hear this child, on the physical and psychic level. When she does this, she realizes that by analyzing his past behavior, she can see that he is genuinely afraid. He is not making this up. What about her meeting? Hopefully, she has a backup plan and can call a sitter and leave her son home for the day. Organized Moms always have a backup plan with little kids. She goes to work and at lunchtime, she calls the school to let them know that her son won’t be there and to find out how things are. What she discovers chills her: three teachers quit, and now one teacher is responsible for 35 small children ages 5 and under. This mom also calls the teachers who quit and discovers to her horror, that the school has changed policy and now leaves these little kids outside in the Charleston, South Carolina summer heat for 3 hours at a time with no water. They are also yelling at the children. She spends the rest of her lunch, locating another pre-school. She has to take some time off to get him installed in a new school but now every morning, he is happy to go to school.



She spent perhaps an extra five minutes of listening to her son initially. Five minutes of time. She was a total of 30 minutes late that day. She was able to have her meeting and she felt good about it. What she discovered about the school validated her faith in her son and her own psychic sense that truly, something was very wrong. Her son was seldom if ever sick in his early years because he did not need sickness to get his Mom’s attention. He was also seldom a behavior problem because he was able to communicate his needs and be heard. In fact he was never a behavior problem even through his teenage years. That critically important communication link was kept strong by direct and psychic communication between parent and child.


In part two, we will explore family communications.


* I am the Mom in option three. This is a true story about my son James now age 31! I was a Lieutenant in the US Navy at the time and the situation taught me the value of believing in my children from the time they were little. Tina Erwin

Sunday, January 15, 2012

KS&L 370 Haunted Antique Jewelry

By Tina Erwin

Can antiques affect us? Can antique jewelry carry the energy of its previous owner? Consider the following article that appeared in a Virginia Beach newspaper in 2012:


‘HAUNTED’ ITEMS SEEM HARMLESS

By Terry Kovel, The Virginian Pilot/Ledger Star, Jan 2012

We have heard many stories about “haunted antiques” through the years, and we often ask readers to send us their stories. Clocks seem to be the most likely to be haunted.

One reader’s mother bought a modern sunburst wall clock in 1952. It stayed on the kitchen wall. Her father died in 1982, and in 1992 her mother began dating. Whenever the boyfriend came over, the clock would make a “grunting” noise. According to the reader, “Mother married and her new husband asked that the clock be thrown out, but I put it in the attic. In 2006 they divorced, and I brought the clock into the kitchen. It is quiet now. Mother said she should have listened to the clock.”

Several families reported having wind-up clocks that started ticking or chiming when family members got together weeks after a funeral.

But the strangest story we heard was about an antique glass necklace a reader inherited from her husband’s family. She told us that whenever she wore the necklace, she had an accident involving water – a glass tipped over, a vase broke, a drink was spilled on her, she even fell in a pool. Then one day her mother-in-law commented that it was nice to see her wearing her great-aunt’s necklace. Did she know that her aunt was a survivor of the sinking of the Titanic?


Estate Pieces of jewelry have always intrigued us. Some of the pieces, especially from the 1920’s are so unique that they call to us. Some pieces that we find in the special section of jewelry stores or antique shops seem to beckon us with their old world flair or unusual designs. However, jewelry unlike antique wooden pieces seems to carry with it a much larger level of predecessor energy than perhaps any of us had previously imagined.


Predecessor energy is the carry-over energy from the previous owner(s). Jewelry is primarily composed of metal and crystal, either man-made crystal or true gemstones. We know that metal carries with it the energy of its owner, almost becoming completely imbued with the trials and tragedies of that person’s life. Gemstones absolutely absorb the energy of whoever holds or wears them. Who ever thinks to clear the energy of jewelry?


In the two examples above, both items, clocks and jewelry, involve quite a bit of metal, especially clock mechanisms. Can you imagine the trauma the woman suffered who survived the sinking of the Titanic? Can you imagine how haunted this woman would have been by her experience? The Hope Diamond had quite a dramatic and powerful history as well, and each of its owners met with some type of difficulty. Currently only the Smithsonian Institution can ‘safely’ own that huge necklace.


Think about it, when was the last time you psychically cleaned your own jewelry: probably never. Most people do not have the tools to clean and clear the jewelry they own much less think about clearing the jewelry that someone else owned. This seems to makes owning estate jewelry quite problematic. Literally, the jewelry holds on to the karma of its previous owners and no one ever thinks to purge the piece or pieces of the originally contaminating energy.


One woman told me that about 12 years ago she purchased a gorgeous emerald and diamond ring at an antique shop. Only upon reflection did she realize that from that moment forward, her life began to deteriorate. She sold the ring.


Another woman was given her deceased mother’s emerald and diamond ring. But every time she wore it, she got a headache. When she removed the ring, the headache ceased. So she did everything she knew how to do to ‘clear the ring’. She began by washing it in salt water, then soapy water, then she sat it in the sun, then she burned Dragon’s Blood resin and held the ring in the smoke. She even blessed the ring and filled it with light. Still every single time she put that ring on, she felt that headache return. How could this be? Does this mean that sometimes, you simply cannot clear certain pieces of jewelry?


The interesting element here is that the woman’s mother had led a somewhat sad life of endless frustration and disappointment. The ring had spent 25 years on the woman’s hand. The ring by now had karma attached to it and it would appear that no amount of cleaning and clearing could remove the karmaic energy that had become resident in that ring.


In the case above at least the daughter knew why she had a headache when she wore her mother’s ring. However, when people buy vintage jewelry in any type of jewelry or antique shop, they have absolutely no idea what happened to the owner or owners of that piece. And since they will never fully know that, they will also never know what karma is attached to the jewelry piece.


Perhaps the final question in all of this is just how could karma attach to something like a ring? Because all acts of anger, rage, or violence and all the emotions of frustration, depression, and hopelessness, literally create an energy field within the ring. The ring or other object carry the energy of the karma the person earned while wearing the ring. Simply because the person sells the ring or dies, does not mean that that karmic energy is automatically cleared. It isn’t. It stays resident with the object.


How long will the karma be attached to a piece of jewelry or any other type of antique? No one knows. It depends on the karma created while wearing or using the antique object. This is why it is quite problematic to own these pieces, beautiful though they may be.


Can you confidently own a previously worn and loved piece of jewelry or clock? Yes. However, it would be wise to learn all you can about the object so that you can evaluate whether or not owning this is worth the karmic burden that accompanies it.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

KS&L 366 Hanging on to the Past

By Tina Erwin

Did you ever notice how hard we all hang on to the past? We cling to things as if moving into the future was a betrayal of what has gone before. Yet, moving into the future is not a choice. We’re going there, ready or not. The question is: are we entering that new element of time and space with a fear of the future or with a balanced view of the past and a sense of adventure for what lies ahead?


Some people are incapable of throwing anything out. Every container, box, envelope, card, letter, magazine, egg carton, rubber band, shipping box and packing material is dutifully kept. This type of personality believes that you never know when you are going to need one of these items. One woman had 250 cool whip containers under her sink. This same lady would never dispose of a single item listed above. When she died, the mountain left to her relatives to remove was daunting. It all ended up being recycled, but it took time. This woman was so stuck in the past that the future seemed exceptionally scary. Her family believed that as a child of the depression, she held on to anything that might help or protect her from what ominous things would lay ahead.


Technology is another of those things that forces us to learn or be left behind. Even young people cannot keep up with the sheer volume of change inherent in the computing technology of current times. However, those who do make an effort to keep up with basic computer skills will feel that they can embrace the future with a bright face. We have met people who ‘cannot type’ so ‘cannot use any type of computer’. Yet this same person depends on the reliability of computers to keep the accounts of his or her life functioning from shopping to banking. The world only functions today, because of computers. It has become incumbent upon all of us to learn how to live in a computer savvy world.


In fact the computer world forces us to buy new equipment because the previous devices can no longer keep up either with the processing speed required to function or the new features that teach us new skills. Learning forces all of us to acquire new skill sets. Perhaps we wish it were not true. Perhaps we wish that being computer literate were not an option. Perhaps we wish for a time when we didn’t feel forced to purchase ever-faster devices from smart phones to wireless devices.


Perhaps what will make it easier to move into the future is the knowledge that we can cherish old memories. Do you remember when microwaves became commonplace? Do you remember a time before cell phones, a time when if you if you were not at home, you found a ‘pay phone’ and put dimes in a metal box to call someone? Those metal phone booths are now almost totally gone. So are roll-up windows in your car, cars without air conditioning, princess phones and soft drinks made with real sugar. There was even life before Google Earth and GPS, when you actually looked on a map to figure out where you were headed. . . .


Perhaps you also remember when we all had time to spare. Now, there is no time to spare. Every extra second is taken up with something utterly important. Longing for times when we could enjoy a quiet evening with family and friends isn’t holding on to the past, it is almost the impossible dream!


Life is eternally about balancing the challenge of moving into the future while still respecting the realities of the past. Every single generation has been required to face this. Perhaps the people who embrace the future feel a bit younger because the future is a comfortable place, full of new mental challenges and amazing gadgets to embrace. Maybe balance is holding on to the wonderful memories of how life used to be while embracing the amazing things that will happen in our lifetimes.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

KS&L 365 The Wise New Year's Baby

by Tina Erwin


The symbol of each New Year is a new baby, as if somehow we are blessed with newness for the coming year. New opportunities, fresh ideas, and a clean slate are the symbols we expect to see for a new year. The symbol of the current year is an old man leaving.


The real key, is the issue of wisdom. Is this old man leaving someone who just survived the outgoing year? Or, is this a much wiser man who is exiting this year because the year just passed offered him a chance to grow on tremendous levels. It makes you wonder why we don’t all feel like wise sages at the end of the year? Well, why don’t we?


Perhaps it starts on the first of January when we make karmic promises to ourselves – also called New Year’s resolutions – and then forget what we said within about two weeks of making those promises. Resolutions are karmic promises, commitments to do or become something or change something about our personality. However, the problem arises when we betray our trust in ourselves by blowing off those promises/resolutions as too hard or not really that important.


Imagine blowing off a karmic promise to yourself throughout your lifetime. That potentially creates a negative karmic buildup. We all believe to our core that it is critically important for one person to keep their word to someone but we often forget how precious it is for each of us to keep our word to ourselves. This means that we have to be emotionally present for ourselves. If we can be true to ourselves, then we have created the foundation to be true to others as well.


Nowhere is it written that we have to make a New Year’s Resolution. So, don’t make any resolutions. Then you never have to be concerned about forgetting to be true to yourself as you begin a new year – or end a millennia!


Wisdom is cleverly defined by the care and respect that we show ourselves, with a balance toward treating others with that same care and respect. It is the golden rule: you treat others the way you would treat yourself, hopefully with wisdom and courtesy.


So to begin a new year, review the successes and learning experiences of the previous year. That is a tremendous exercise. If you felt a friendship slip out of balance, decide whether or not it can be healed. If you received a promotion, then remember to be grateful for all the people and experiences that got you to this point. If someone new entered your life, ponder how that person has changed your life – or perhaps he or she didn’t have any affect on your life at all. Karma always wants to know if we learned the lesson of any experience. Those lessons not fully learned will be revisited upon all of your life. Only in this way will any of us truly learn wisdom.


If you feel a bit sheepish for not keeping previous resolutions take that negative and turn it into a positive: analyze what resolutions you have made in the past. Did you make the same resolution year after year and did you break it or forget it year after year? Ask yourself why? This is one of the key elements of a spiritual path, learning to listen to that still small voice within yourself that actually is you. Listen to what you say to yourself, how you sound and how you come across to yourself. If you consistently meant to do something and never did, then analyze your own pattern and don’t merely vow to change it! Once you analyze why you broke your promise to yourself repeatedly, look to see if this is a significant character flaw. If it is a character flaw decide if it can be changed and if you do truly want to change it. Maybe you won’t want to change it. Maybe you will decide to never make a promise to yourself that you never had any intention at all of keeping.


Imagine how much more honest you will feel toward yourself. The essence of the spiritual path is learning the path to wisdom regarding all of the fascinating personalities in your life and the life experiences you encounter. However, each of us must first learn to be true to ourselves.


So take a deep breath on 0001, Jan 1 and decide not to vow anything, not to make any resolutions. Even though we all know it is good to have goals, New Year’s goals are frequently the ones we seldom if ever cherish. So don’t, make any; don’t make a goal you’ll never keep.


Relax on New Year’s Day. Enjoy the anticipation of a wonderful new year. Perhaps write some affirmations such as:

• Day by day in everyway, I am getting better and better and better.

• Something wonderful happens to me every day.

• I am so blessed, that literally, money falls out of the sky for me and I am always generous with my good fortune.


Happy New Year wise soul!