Frequently, spouses become ill because they need attention. Sometimes, they become quite ill because the lack of attention over time has built up to such a level that their bodies are turning frustration in upon itself.Sometimes one spouse doesn’t know how to stand up to the other and tell him or her what feelings are building up. Sometimes he doesn’t know the words, or perhaps she is afraid that being direct will damage the relationship.
Sometimes couples let the sheer volume of ‘stuff that has to be done’ distract them from keeping communication lines open.
Sometimes there is just so much family around all the time that it literally becomes impossible for couples to find time for themselves.
These are the times when one partner must find a way to stop the busyness cycle and carve out time to communicate with that person they have vowed to love for the rest of their lives. Perhaps this is why divorce is so prevalent: couples lack the basic skills and courage necessary to create, build, maintain and do maintenance on their relationship.
The first step would be to work on communication skills. If a husband asks a wife if she is OK, just responding with a ‘sure, I’m fine,’ doesn’t help communication. Perhaps a better answer would be: “I have had a terrible day at work, and I need to talk about it. I am irritable, but I am not irritable at you. Would you please mind just listening and being patient with me tonight?”
That is a good first step. Now the husband knows what is ‘wrong.’ He just needs to remember that when his wife blows off steam, it is not necessary for him to ‘go out back and mount that white horse to save the day for her.’ Men have to learn to listen without fixing the problem. Men instinctively go to that place of how they would handle the problem. That isn’t helpful. Husbands have to learn how to listen without interfering. Husbands have to be patient when they listen and ask how they can best help but understand that it is not helpful if they just try to take over the problem for their wife.
Wives need to understand that most men inherently despise confrontation. If you are having a problem with your mother-in-law, demanding that your husband ‘take care of the problem’ will get you absolutely no where and will create larger problems. In cases like this, you and your husband must sit down and discuss the problem dispassionately – not always easy to do – but essential to maintaining your marriage.
Couples frequently are on different planets when it comes to disciplining and maintaining family balance with children. Communication is critical here but what usually happens is that one parent is the ‘good guy’ and one parent, the parent who insists on enforcing the rules, is the ‘bad buy.’ Dads are often putty in the hands of daughters and moms often have a ‘soft spot’ for their sons. Get over it. Parents have to agree on a parenting plan and both parents have to be consistent. This is the essence of good family communication.
Courtesy in families and basic human interaction is the essential lubricant that makes each day work. ‘Please and thank you’ are never assumed. If your teenagers do something responsible, point it out. Thank them for calling if they are going to be late. If your kids own a car, ask their permission before you drive it. Give your kids the same courtesy you demand of them. Keep your word. Stay in a place of integrity. It is important.
People hear you more readily, when you are not angry. They may act on a suggestion or an experiment idea more quickly than a demand or a directive. Listen to what the person really needs.
Listen.
Be patient.
Seek wisdom before you speak and always edit what you say before you say it. Imagine how what you say is going to come across – care about how it will come across. Understand the politics of family situations and respect how important that understanding is. The more you love the person in front of you, the more readily will you be able to go the distance in seeking the best communication at the correct moment.
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